Confessions

Dear sister,

How are you? Do you really know how you are? Are you also getting used to answer this question with the right answer like me?

“I am fine. Thank you. How are you?”

I am not fine and don’t ask me this question if you don’t mean it. Don’t ask me because I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know how I feel except restless, unwell, unhappy and frustrated. But I can’t tell you that. Just like, I can’t show you my real face. Yes, I can’t show you my actual face without doing those eyebrows, routine skin care, SPF, BB, CC, foundations or even compact. I have a pressure to look good, sound cute or sexy, and most importantly show up. I have to prove my independence by doing all the things that are applauded. Unlike those powerless, weak women who are good for nothing, I have to show how many hats I can wear. I can be a beautiful, well-groomed woman with family values who is educated enough to match her man and even use the qualification to earn a living. And yes, I can’t complain. I should not complain for I’ll be just another nagging girl friend of wife. I can fight for more freedom, for equal opportunities and reservations off course.

No. I can’t take a break and meditate or even rest during my periods, because there are medicines to help me and I don’t want to be dependent on anyone. Especially men! I can’t trust them. They just want to use a woman. But I am not stupid. I know how to protect myself. My financial independence is my insurance. What that I can do what I want to do. I have so many things to do. I am creative, hardworking and intelligent. But somehow it’s just not enough. I see many undeserving people make it to the top and I hate to see their success. Why didn’t I get it? How will I get it? I hate this feeling. Being a woman sucks.

Now my health is taking a toll on me. This is frustrating. What else should I do? I know I am putting on the weight and I should exercise but believe me, I am already exhausted. I should not be taking stress but the very idea of it is stressing me to death. I don’t have to pull my hair, they are coming out themselves. And please don’t even dare to utter the word meditation. Who can sit calmly for even a minute these days? The more I sit and think, the more restless I become. I wish someone could understand me. I wish someone could say this to me so that I second that person. But unfortunately, we all lie. We all lie to each other and to ourselves because we don’t have time to waste. I value your time. We hardly talk these days and I’d rather tell you my beautiful future plans and show off my current success stories than discussing such petty issues. Who don’t have them after all? !