Being an Architect

Once again, I am going through that phase where I want to do too many things at the same time and end up doing nothing. It's frustrating and the world where we are trained to think and behave in a linear way, it's not the right way to be. We have so many concepts about right and wrong that it's almost like an insurance for an internal war. The war that we fight with ourselves. All the time. Accusing ourselves or others, defending, resisting, arguing, winning or losing debates and so on. That's why we hate to be alone or with someone who triggers these situations. Yet we pray and hope for peace. It's impossible to have peace without dumping these ideas about right and wrong. 

My Guru says," Right is obviously right but wrong is also right. Left is also right."

It's very difficult to understand this by a victim mindset where we see ourselves as powerless, insignificant creatures left on the mercy of some higher power. But nobody is to be blamed for we carry this belief system in our DNA thanks to our history of suffering. No matter what country, culture or community we are born into, all we have in common is the fear of loss. It can be traced back to the cave man perhaps. But the true wisdom is in knowing that we are not that incapable afterall. That's what  the transformation is all about. Not just attaining enlightenment by following some strict rituals but rather solving the mystery of life and in fact taking charge of it. Not just transforming ourselves into something but transforming the world around us in more effective way. 

We all want change but nobody wants to change. We have heard this a lot. But is it really that easy to even recognise that it's us who needs to change? When we are stuck with one perspective and are convinced that it's the only right one, it's almost impossible to change ourselves. Because obviously we don't see our fault. It's only when life puts us in some extreme situations, where our belief system or perspective is challenged, do we realise what the other perspective is. In that sense all adversities should be seen as a wonderful opportunity to grow as a person. Thankfully my life put me into a lot of them and I can't be enough greatful for that.

I was a rebel or an activist by nature who was not ready to comply with the existing situation of the world around me. Whether it was my family, workplace or even the streets i walked in. I had a problem with everything and I wanted to change it. As a lover of beauty and harmony, I couldn't stand any sort of ugliness in the existing systems or our behaviours. I fought with people, situations and myself only to realise that it had a toll on my health. Now I had become the very thing I resisted for so long and there was no way to get rid of myself. I did commit a suicide after all but that was the best thing I have ever done for myself. 

I killed the image of me. The very idea of being myself. My obsession with this woman that I wanted to become was killing me so I killed her instead. It was the worst and the best battle I've fought with myself. For it brought forth that innocent, loving being which I never realised existed within me. I unmasked myself so many times only to realise how many faces have suffocated this being. And it's not over yet. For it was just yesterday that I spent hours in recreating and strengthening one of those images I was so obsessed with.

 'संसार ': the eternal cycle of suffering

The obsession of creating something my way is so narcissistic that it can only break so many hearts and end up dying with starvation. Where as the joy of giving and letting go is so fulfilling that happiness just becomes the state of being. We spend all our present in building a perfect future which never turns the exact way and yet here we are creating more and more memories. 

"Karma is nothing else but memory' says Sadhguru

What we fail to realise is that not just our actions but the memory we carry within our bodies in form of our dna, and in fact every cell is creating the story of our life. There is a sophisticated programming inscribed in our memory which is creating this holographic reality that we experience only because of this body. All that we see, touch, smell, taste is through our bodies. Therefore we experience this world within ourselves. 

And everyone has a unique programming. So we live in different worlds yet in the same world where we have collectively contributed to create yet another reality that we experience together. How can we then blame only someone or something for that we perceive as a problem. We have contribution in creating every single thing that we experience around us. I know it's too much to digest. Even I am trying to digest this fact since some time now. And yet every now then I forget my role in this creation as one of the architects who agreed to this. 

अहम् ब्रह्मास्मि : I am the creator

Mostly misunderstood, all that it means is that I am the creator of this reality that I live in. I am responsible. There is no need to feel proud or guilty for creating whatever we have created but to know that this game is on and our job of creation is not done yet. If we do see anything that is not working or infact creating problems, we have the power of change it. Reprogramme it. Improve it. Spirituality is all about learning to reprogramme ourselves. Because by changing ourselves this way, we are changing the world. We are solving the problem. We are doing our job as architects. Otherwise we are just wasting our potential in exploring our creation unconsciously. We are missing the true fun of playing with awareness and co creating together a world we truly want to live in. I hope on the occasion of coming full moon day and Lunar Eclipse  (on 6th Spet 2016) which offers us yet another opportunity to realise all that no longer serves us. I pray and hope that my friends will awaken with me to co create a beautiful world for ourselves. 

ॐ Amen    

Iridocyclities

I woke from a deep slumber and this realization showered on me.
It's still dark outside like it was when Krishna was born.
Amid all the ruthlessness of King Kans, he managed to take birth and survive. It is a teaching of my Guru who made me see the symbolism behind this story. We should celebrate every single thought of awareness that has the potential to destroy all negative thoughts which make our lives a living hell. King Kans is nothing else but very powerful and dominating thought process we carry. We see everything against these rigid ego as our enemies and create a hell only to save that which is not even pleasant in itself. But when a tiny thought as divine as Krishna takes birth in us, we can be assured of an eventual victory that we'll get from this suffering. Suffering of mind as they say.

Why I want to emphasize on this significant story is not just because yesterday was Krishna Janamasthami but by His grace yet another year I experienced a transformation on this day. I got discharge from hospital. I was there for 6 days, taking treatment for my kind of ambiguous eye problem that panicked me so bad. I felt I was loosing my eyesight and as they say, your body talks to you. You need to learn to communicate with your body and it will tell you everything that it need to heal itself. I believe this is such a grace that we have born with this sophisticated system which helps us to live wonderfully. If only we could master the art of living 😃 

Anyway, initially it was Iridocyclitis ! Yes. For those who don't know me pretty well, it is indeed funny because I do make a lot of spelling mistakes every now and then. I am really bad with even some regular words in day to day life. And here I have a managed to developed a rare symptom of disease on a spell Bee joke 😄
So, I was talking treatment for this condition and waiting for my super perfectionist German doctors to finally come up with a through diagnosis. They were so determined to go to the depth of the matters. That it was almost uncomfortable for an impatient Indian patient like me 😉 But I really admire this quality of Germans and more than just learning the language I want to pick up this sincere character of Germans. I managed to develop patience to start with 😉 Waiting is indeed an attitude and I was determined to have my best. So I was praying, meditating and trying to keep myself in high spirits. Off course the love and concern of my family, friends and most importantly my husband was keeping me supported. So I became even more receptive to this experience I was going through and to my surprise I did met someone very interesting during my stay in this hospital room. She was an old lady from Romania. Just like me, she had to suddenly get admitted in the hospital after her check up. So even she was little sad and worried. Also because she had to undergo an operation for her Cataract surgery. But soon we started to talk in our equally bad German and felt a sense of connection in no time. How I love to connect with people! She was telling me her life story of how she single handedly raised five kids in Romania in such challenging condition of poverty and torture from her chauvinistic husband. Her only solace being the Church and faith. What was more interesting is that during this time of struggle, she was given a leaf of some sort by a Priest and asked her to put it under her pillow before she sleeps. Yea, she was that sort of a believer and I believe in believers 😆 So interestingly, she saw a dream for almost 11 years. She saw a man in her dreams for so long that she started recognizing him and one day when was in Germany to meet her Romanian friends, she saw this man on a street and said," I know this man. He'll be my husband!" But her friend's reaction to this was not very pleasant as they knew this man and they were sure that he is not at all a marriage material. According to them, he was a very serious kind of man who knew no fun and had no family. But she was so sure, she told them that she'll marry him soon and she went back to Romania. Her children were grown under the shelter of church and her hardships into educated and well behaved grown ups. Her life took that turning point when out if nowhere thus man started communicating with her by sending her greeting cards from Germany. And just like a fairy tale, transcending the limitations of borders and languages, he asked her to get married to him. Can you believe that? I still can't believe it's a true story but i've met many ordinary people with extraordinary lives before to believe in this one. I was in tears as usual. I have been shedding these tears of joy pretty frequently these days. This story needs to be told for the sheer sharing of this joy.
This woman sold her shop and home in Romania and came to Germany to marry this guy she saw in her dreams for 11 years!
And they are happily married for 14 years now. This is what transformation looks like. It is possible! A brand new life is possible in this life time itself. All you need is a faithful heart. We are manifesting our beliefs every now and then. If only we learn to believe in a better world.
I had a great time with this old lady and we became very close friends in just four days. Cosmic connection had done it's job yet again and it was already time to say goodbye.

My results were out finally. After lots of blood test, they found out that I can have genetic Glaucoma. So they wanted to do some more tests on me. Till this point I had no idea what this means. After they confirmed that I am borderline, I discovered that it is that disease in which a person becomes blind. Wow! I could get blind one day. This revelation has opened my eyes in true sense. I can't tell you how much happy and grateful I am feeling Everytime I open my eyes. I can see now.
I don't know about the future but now,
I was continuously doing the japa of "hare Krishna hare Rama" and now all I remember are the words by this wonderful lady, " Danke mine Gott!"
#iridocyclitis #spellbeejoke #myillness

Dates

We could easily transcend time
and forget all our past
but then,
there are dates
calenders
repeating all the same
throughout the year
and yet
expecting us to plan
a new future

How cruel!

It's like that pop song
saying the same thing
again and again
expecting us
to get our move right
on the familiar beat
That can't betray
till the song ends
leaving yet another
Memory

To haunt again.

It is possible

We fear not what we do not know.
We fear what we know.
We know for so long, innocent people were subjected to enormous torture. History teach us only one relationship, Abuser and victim. We see no God coming to rescue any victim physically. They are only solace to mind. The poor, helpless, powerless minds. Who are ready to surrender. But in the reality, tables were only turned by those who revolted. So we have learnt from the history only two ways to preserve us. Either you become a believer or a revolt. Because we will never admit to be the abuser of any sort. Are we?
We learn our lesson from history and try to become powerful. It's a defence mechanism. Earlier men learnt martial arts, saved for emergencies and build to protect. Now we just have more sophisticated ways of becoming more well equipped. Getting educated, earning good, so many insurances and what not. Only not to become a victim. But we all know, what you resist persist.
We are fueling the mindset of victim mentality. So much so that we have created all kinds of villains. Who need to be slayed. So fight is inevitable. So is war. But we pray for peace. Ironic!
Isn't it? Why? because we are good students of life. we have learnt to defend against something. Always. We think that's what life is all about. To win something. That's the whole purpose. To achieve victory and not become a victim. But there will be no victory without victims.
If we all want to win, there's only one way. To believe that history can be changed. A new way of life is possible. where no one has to win or defend. Where life can flourish.
We misunderstood life because we misunderstood death. When a lion eats a goat, he's not a villain and goat is not a victim. It's just how life happens. We all need food. Somebody has to eat somebody in jungle. Somebody has to take from someone in society. When giving becomes either trade or charity, Killing becomes loss or pride. Some kill to save the pride and some to gain it. Therefore life has to become a purpose. A revenge or an eternal ambition to survive. Survive beyond life.
If only we accepted death as death and life as life..
No frills.
We will fear nothing. If we know nothing.
When nothing that can happen will be bad,
then everything we do will be good.
and
It is possible!

Confessions

Dear sister,

How are you? Do you really know how you are? Are you also getting used to answer this question with the right answer like me?

“I am fine. Thank you. How are you?”

I am not fine and don’t ask me this question if you don’t mean it. Don’t ask me because I really don’t know anymore. I don’t know how I feel except restless, unwell, unhappy and frustrated. But I can’t tell you that. Just like, I can’t show you my real face. Yes, I can’t show you my actual face without doing those eyebrows, routine skin care, SPF, BB, CC, foundations or even compact. I have a pressure to look good, sound cute or sexy, and most importantly show up. I have to prove my independence by doing all the things that are applauded. Unlike those powerless, weak women who are good for nothing, I have to show how many hats I can wear. I can be a beautiful, well-groomed woman with family values who is educated enough to match her man and even use the qualification to earn a living. And yes, I can’t complain. I should not complain for I’ll be just another nagging girl friend of wife. I can fight for more freedom, for equal opportunities and reservations off course.

No. I can’t take a break and meditate or even rest during my periods, because there are medicines to help me and I don’t want to be dependent on anyone. Especially men! I can’t trust them. They just want to use a woman. But I am not stupid. I know how to protect myself. My financial independence is my insurance. What that I can do what I want to do. I have so many things to do. I am creative, hardworking and intelligent. But somehow it’s just not enough. I see many undeserving people make it to the top and I hate to see their success. Why didn’t I get it? How will I get it? I hate this feeling. Being a woman sucks.

Now my health is taking a toll on me. This is frustrating. What else should I do? I know I am putting on the weight and I should exercise but believe me, I am already exhausted. I should not be taking stress but the very idea of it is stressing me to death. I don’t have to pull my hair, they are coming out themselves. And please don’t even dare to utter the word meditation. Who can sit calmly for even a minute these days? The more I sit and think, the more restless I become. I wish someone could understand me. I wish someone could say this to me so that I second that person. But unfortunately, we all lie. We all lie to each other and to ourselves because we don’t have time to waste. I value your time. We hardly talk these days and I’d rather tell you my beautiful future plans and show off my current success stories than discussing such petty issues. Who don’t have them after all? !